To The Core
Living with an eating disorder or any form of mental illness, you become a shell, you become someone you don’t even know. You’re pretty much living with someone that hate’s you constantly, telling you that you’re not enough, that every bite of food is the end of the world, that if you don’t eat at this certain time is going to make you gain 100 kilos if you eat any later. That if you don’t exercise more than you did yesterday you’re not going to be enough, that every second of the day you’re not enough.
This is just a small percentage of the daily grind of the mind of someone battling an eating disorder. Let’s look at the word “Battle” a battle is a fight, a battle is usually one object opposing another, and that’s exactly what this is. You as a being, are opposing what you’re not being true to, you’re opposing your limiting thoughts, you're opposing you're insecurities, you're opposing the outcomes that weren’t met, your opposing the harm that you have felt from your past and bringing it to your present. You're opposing your true self to have control, so you don’t have to deal with what is truly going on, no matter what you're story may be. More than half the time it’s not even the food thats the initial problem. It’s using the food as a control to use as a self inflicted tool, creating very unhealthy routines, and escape roots from the actual root of the cause, choosing to be overshadowed.
Life is a funny thing, we all walk around thinking, what we are thinking may be in the heads and hearts of those around us, we have become so out of ourselves in a cognitive form, we are constantly putting our life outcomes in the palms of other peoples expectations, of how we should act, socialise and conform. I thought that happiness was signified around a number I would check on the scales around 4-5 times a day, the amount of sit ups and km’s I ran, but didn’t want to be running, being out of breathe, having my life so significantly time lined each day, without catering time for actually just being, instead becoming riddled with anxiety when I didn’t meet expectations, when I was too scared to simply sit and be with myself.
I became scared of sunny days, as I knew people would be going out and having fun, I connected sun-shine and happiness as a trigger for my own sadness, because I couldn’t “fake” the happiness any longer. While my friends were out enjoying the simplicities of life, as I would be there too, with a big “smile” on my face my mind would be consumed with having to escape where I was, having to go home because I couldn’t handle drinking all the calories, or have people pick on what I was and wasn’t eating, or not being able to enjoy a meal with my friends, people commenting on my weight, or just simply asking me questions in general that even I didn’t know the answer to yet, this again was the daily “battle” of escaping these deep rooted routines. As hard as the removal was, it had to be done, this is all part of the journey we call “Recovery”. The battle became exhausting.
So where does it begin? How does it feel? How can you possibly get to this point. I’m so grateful to say now, that I look back and I can say to my self.. “What the actual f#$^ was I doing to myself” “How did I let myself get there?” “I can’t even possibly imagine how I brought myself to that point”, and let me tell you, it’s taken me a long road to be able to say these things, and yes these thoughts still pop up, but being able to live with them in the back seat and not in the drivers seat, is a world of wonder, being able to create positive awareness and corrective action has become my right hand man.
Let me take you on a walk, because walk was literally all I did for a long distance of 4-5 years. Walk away from my problems, walk away from my friends, walk away from my family, and more importantly walk further and further away from myself, until I couldn’t walk anymore, literally. Walking, walking, walking, walking from my outer body and not from my heart or head, as much as they were there to question my actions they were buried, deep deep and even deeper down, until I found the bottom, the bottom was scary, cold and dark, and was filled with many meetings with health professionals, the four walls of my room, and the arms of my family.
All aspects of eating disorders present themselves differently, they become very present in physical form our bodies appearance, the amount we are exercising, our eating habits being both under and over eating”, or our physical presence”. With this, many people may not even guess you are going through something like this, as we are all quite good at playing “Houdini”. We are very clever at not showing the full extent of our issues and this is shown in varying forms for each individual, being able to portray a persona for another. For myself I would still go out with my friends, and have flourishing relationships, with which I valued highly and that would actually bring about part of an authentic self, as it took my mind off things for any given amount of time.
I’ve always been called a nurturer, thats where my true self would come out with others. I would put my passion into wanting to help others with their troubles and find deep threaded conversations about their lives so I didn’t have to deal with my own, however, slowly but surely I began to question my own self of being a hypocrite, and not putting into practice with myself what I was influencing others on, in making positive change in their own lives. This time I had a different voice popping in, this wasn’t the one talking me down, this was my voice of intuition, something that had been there the entire time, but this time it was getting stronger, it would get stronger every time I would begin to question my “set in stone” routines, every time I would recluse myself, it became a tango of fight and flight with good old intuition, trying to create scary “change” from my current “healthy” routines.
I put my aspect of happiness around the distorted word of beauty, being in the modelling industry, having successes and failures from agencies and jobs, connected with the inflicting rise of Instagram promotion, the competition and comparison with others became an instant hit very “close to home”, with the insecurities flying high, from then I found another passage of reckoning, finding passion around likes for an image, which also made my scars even deeper, having the hope that having approval from others of what I looked like would make me feel better, it never did. These became promotional posters for buying my own self worth and happiness, buying acceptance from another’s eyes.
When it hits… When it hits home you will know, When it hits you, things begin to change, when it hits your eyes will open. As much as you don’t want to listen to those around you as well as listen to your conscious self, I slowly but surely began to listen, I began to listen when, my hair started falling out, when I would become freezing in the middle of summer from a slight breeze or holding a cold drink, when I found myself not being able keep regular meals down, it hit home when my health began to deteriorate,ending up in medical clinic after medical clinic with a never ending list of immune diseases, hormonal illnesses, reproductive issues and on going blood tests to make sure my levels were constantly at a normal levels, all the while I kept telling myself I was fine, and that I was just busy, with work and school, and that I was going out too much. I stopped getting my period, I couldn’t sleep, I became scared to even be around, see or smell foods that could even implement or change this “amazing” weight I had gotten myself to… so what next? If this happens does life stop, and that was the one thing, I would always have in my head that life would just stop, that it wouldn’t keep going, and amazingly it does.
Making the change, as scary as it is to hit rock bottom, it’s the best thing that can ever happen, because.. yes about to get very cliche, the only way is up! After an on and off relationships trying to fill love in my life with people that I thought resonated with my looks and a similar way of feeling, sedating with alcohol, getting so sick one morning after having my head down the toilet, further more not being able to pick myself up from my bathroom floor, I decided that enough was enough, and guys I’m not saying this was an easy process, but let me tell you IT CAN BE DONE, and when you open yourself up to change, things start showing up for you when positive change is implemented. I set myself a goal to return to that smiling, happy, content and “well” girl I once was, that didn’t have a care in the world, set myself a goal to not live out of the “expectations” that I thought my parents, friends, industry and the world had for me, I set myself away from the bodily figure I so long desired for, in which I thought would release this over whelming flooding of happiness and success, and tuned in on finding my right path, the path of being “Authentically Enough”.
Taking the step, one step at time, this is not a race, this is a recovery, and with any recovery comes rest, plus immense trial and error. Rest for your body and rest from your mind that has been fuelled by conflicting thoughts for so long. I do not look at these thoughts as being conflicting anymore, I look at them as being shaped, as being tested, I look at my process as signs all leading me to my true purpose, back to an authentic self, and now i’m able to question, If i didn’t go through all of this, would i be who I am today?
I took myself on the removal process, and as hard as it was to remove from friends, from family, from social groups, from going out, from common routines that were so set in stone it had to be done. Your friends and family may not understand at the time, as we all grow and experience life at different points in time, we all have to understand each other and our individual journeys, as hard as it is to react, we react from love, but the reactions may not be what you want, but its okay.
The first AH Haaa moment was when I was up in Byron on a photoshoot when I was 19, still very stuck in my daily routines and eating habits, but slowly building awareness, I was lucky enough to land in the hands of a beautiful lady who took me to a local whole foods cafe for lunch, I had a raw “Lasagne”, this was the first time I didn’t freak out and let my mind go to “I have to go for a run after this” “I wonder how many calories are in this”, this is when my creativity sparked, I went back to that place 4 times within the 3 days I was there, and as soon as I got home started to get creative with food, I started to get creative with something a couple of days ago I was so scared about, and here ladies and gentlemen was the subconscious beginning of The Core Health.
From here still being very active, obtaining healthier eating habits, but growing an appreciation for food and it’s nourishing capabilities when created in such a pure form, got the blood pumping in a way I hadn’t felt in a very long time, I had found a sense of purpose, I found a sense of identity, something that I thought had died.
Always having a spiritual side, I started getting into the good old self help books, yoga and meditation. As much as I turned against seeing a “Shrink” seeing them as a big white room, with a scary old lady asking you questions, seeking help is not a weakness it is a strength. Seeking help and using pain as your power becomes your right arm, even if they tell you things you’re not ready to hear just yet “Hearing” these things make you question your reaction, and the way you choose to react is either your step forward or backwards, but it’s definitely more than alright to take a step or two or many back, you build your awareness on which step to take next.
When you test and make changes from old habits, things become clear, things become happy and you begin to change from living in the dark world you think you’re in to just simply being. I started asking life to show me ways out and they started showing up. I myself would laugh at people talking all this “weird shit” as I used to call it, of being one with yourself, and talking about deep rooted issues, but I guess it doesn’t actually resonate until you have a reason to find yourself once more.
When you begin to make changes, set new intentions and create a new story, your world will open up, so don’t give up! Get clear on what it is you want to change, where you want to be and exactly how it would feel to be at your happiest! Everywhere you go, no matter what you do, if you are doing it with the best outcome for yourself it will pay off, “Do something now, the future you will be grateful for”, every process, every tear, every tantrum and every sleepless night I am thankful for, as there is a way to get through to the next day, the next night and your life.
And so be it, we have the creation of The Core Health, a health a lifestyle forum, focused Wholesomely around building a relationship with yourself, your mind and your complete being. The literal definition of “The Core” the core of our being, the centre force within, that guides us, that is us, that creates ourselves. As much as what I went through was a dark stage, I know longer live in darkness with little bits of light, I live in light with fleeting, influential means of learning and growth. (That was deep)
This forum and being able to voice my story is to spread awareness not to hide what you are going through. Hiding or fearing pain, is sugar coating life, we should be scared of the easy way out. How we perceive things in life are shaped by our beliefs, as our beliefs are shaped by our experiences, but to be able to pull away from limiting beliefs based on painful or pleasurable experiences to adapt to each new day, each new moment as a new belief can take us away from what ever has occurred in our past, to the now. Being kind to ourselves, we will further be kind to others and allow so much room for optimal experiences and good into our lives.
Through the exhaustion of an on going battle with myself for years, the ability to change your thoughts can and will change your world for the best, we only have one beautiful shot at this life, so attach yourself to things that nourish your journey, not deplete it, it’s okay to get things wrong or do things we cringe at (or do these a lot, because it’s good to be able to look back and laugh), we learn for the next time, and learning is the best experience for growth.
Our bodies and lives are our own, how we treat, nourish and take them, is in our own control, I intend to help encourage and mentor minds to see the good in what we each individually have, we only have a given amount of time each day within our life, instead of putting hate and pressure on what you wish to change about yourself, learn to love what you’ve got and rock it in your own unique way, the world would be boring if we all lived and looked the same.
If I can help or influence even one person on creating positive change in their life, that would be the greatest achievement for me, I look forward to joining in on your journey at what ever point in life you are in, there is always a way to find your feet even when you feel like you are constantly falling. I hope to help guide you with nourishing food to fill your bellies, wisdoms to flood your minds and guidance in creating a life for yourself that is uniquely and completely yours, a life worth the journey.
With love and health,